I-98: Episode Six -- The Derailment

I-98

is

a syndicated television series spanning one decade, 2040 - 2049

Chronicles from The Bakken

Starring Samuel "Oilman" Goshwin & Liam Nikolai Gjorkstad

with occasional appearances by Archie McCool

initial funding from Apple Prairie Broadcasting  

and 

matching grant money from The Legacy Fund, 

and 

continuing support from viewers like you.

In the last episode, Thelma and Louise were headed west on the BHTR&A BNSF Bullet Train, more commonly called the "Bakken Bullet Express," Amtrak's bullet train from Chicago to Williston. They had gotten on at Chicago. There would be one stop at Bloomberg's Mall of America and then no more stops until Northstar Center, Williston, heart of the Bakken.

The BBE (or as the locals called it, the "BB King") was inaugurated one year after the second Bakken boom. The first Bakken boom had begun in North Dakota in 2007; the price of oil subsequently collapsed which ultimately set up a price spike to $200 oil and a second Bakken boom in the late 2020's. Hindsight suggested that would happen, but no one saw it coming until 2020. As they say, hindsight is 2020.

Did "we" say one stop between Chicago and Williston? Thelma and Louise were unaware -- in fact, everyone was unaware -- there would be two additional stops this fateful day. And no stop at the Mall of America as scheduled. 

Sam and Liam were still sitting at a little picnic table in Rugby, ND, underneath wind turbines frozen in time, waiting for BB King. Liam had successfully reached Warren Buffett III's office and had spoken with a secretary whose last name was "Munger" or something like that -- Sprint-Verizon-AOL reception had gotten worse ever since the last merger. Yes, Ms Munger (or whatever her name was) confirmed with Liam that Warren Buffett III had okayed an unscheduled stop at Rugby.

3:30 p.m.

Amtrak had not stopped at the Mall of America. Due to a bit of unrest in downtown Minneapolis earlier in the day, the Bloomberg mayor asked the mall to give the activists a bit of room to destroy things, starting with some of the anchor stores at the Mall of America.

Amtrak thought it best not to become part of the 5:30 Evening News With Brian Williams and bypassed the Mall of America, creeping by at 5 mph so passengers could gawk. (Brian Williams had passed on many years ago but the ratings had been so good that MSNBCAl Jazeera brought him back via a 3-D hologram.)

4:20 p.m.

The initial reports were sketchy but it appears the BB King derailed on a curve leaving Fargo. It appears that the bullet train entered the curve just as the train was halfway through the switch, as noted in the graphic below. The switchman switched the tracks a moment too early. The engine and the first three passenger cars made it safely but the last six Amtrak cars left the track. "Leaving the track" is a phrase no passenger likes to see in the same sentence in which Amtrak is mentioned.

UND drones were the first to spot the derailment. The Amtrak engineer of course was oblivious to any problem behind him but reported some days later that he thought it strange that his train suddenly accelerated. He said it was if, and I quote exactly: "It was as if I had just lost six cars."

It wasn't until he reached Gardner, North Dakota, some 25 miles to the north that the engineer was aware of what happened.

The engineer, Eric Kjorstadsonson was a stoic Norwegian. When the radio call came in that he lost six cars back in Fargo, he said, and I quote exactly: "Uff da."

Sven Olalfson, the second engineer's only comment was, "Well, it could have been worse. We could have been in one of those cars." Not likely. Most Amtrak engines were at the front of the train, not somewhere in the middle. Although at one time there had been talk of putting Amtrak engines in the middle of the train so the engineers would be closer to the dining car.

5:00 p.m.

Rugby was approaching. Actually, more accurately, Rugby was standing still; but the Amtrak train was approaching. On the other hand, Einstein's theory of relativity would not differentiate between what was approaching what. A bystander in Devil's Lake would not be able to tell whether Rugby was approaching the train or whether the train was approaching Rugby. The more interesting question was whether Schrödinger's cat in one of the passenger cars that derailed back in Fargo was dead or alive. Alex Schrödinger, who never traveled without his cat, had boarded the BB King in Chicago along with Thelma and Louise, and had been in one of the cars that derailed.

(It turns out that due to a quirk in the Unified Theory of Everything developed by Al Gore back in 1997, the cat was neither dead nor alive. The cat was in what Al Gore described as a "relativity lockbox" -- a place where things go when Einstein's theory of relativity can't explain how things disappear, particularly federal tax revenue. The "1997 theory" -- his Unified Theory of Everything -- was in his last note before he died. In the note says he did not release this theory in 1997 because he was miffed that there were some people who thought his "Global Warming Theory" was wrong. He felt if people did not believe his global warming theory, they would never take his Unified Theory of Everything seriously, and he was just too old to continue the fight. He left his theory in a PowerPoint presentation and then sent it to Hillary Clinton where it was lost in her private e-mail server. It was only in 2017 that the FBI was able to find the lost e-mails. Unfortunately, Microsoft-Apple no longer supported PowerPoint in 2017 and the presentation has never been decoded.)

5:10.

Liam and Sam were about a mile away when they first saw the BB King.

Liam: "Is that the train?"

Sam: "I believe so. Looks shorter than usual."

Liam: "That's because of Einstein's theory of relativity. At that speed, the train seems to be shorter than it really is. No, his theory suggests just the opposite. At that speed, the train should be longer than it really is. I don't know. I'm confused."

The train rolled to a stop. Martha Syverton-Jacobson remembers the day BB King stopped in Rugby.

 "It had never happened before. In their last American tour, the Rolling Stones had played in Rugby, but BB King never came to Rugby. Oh, you mean the train. Oh, I don't know anything about any train called BB King. The only thing that happens around here are those dang WBR&C trains that keep going off the track and blowing up. It's worse than Casselton. Casselton gets all the press because it's closer to Fargo.""

The train had hardly come to a full stop before Sam and Liam arrived on scene.

Sam: "It is shorter than usual. Only three cars. Used to be nine."

Liam: "Amtrak cutbacks?"

Sam: "Something like that, I suppose. Let's go."

[Camera pulls back. Schrödinger's cat is seen leaving one of the passenger cars. Sam and Liam are seen getting into the car. The light snow continues to fall. The voice over: "Next stop Williston, the heart of the Bakken. Were Thelma and Louise derailed or are they on the train? What adventures await Sam and Liam in Williston?]

One seldom sees "adventures" uses in the same sentence as "Williston." But, then, this is the Bakken.

Next week's episode: #BeesLivesMatter.